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“Skate faster!”
Wow. Genius. Next, maybe yell “breathe oxygen!” or “don’t fall down!” because clearly your kid wouldn’t know what to do without you.
We all hear it…
- Dads barking line changes like they’re running the ’97 Red Wings.
- Moms screaming “SHOOT!” at centre ice like the puck has heat-seeking radar.
- Grandpas yelling “Hit somebody!” because nothing says development like a cheap boarding penalty in Peewee B.
On a good day, it’s free comedy. On a bad day, it’s tragic. Because here’s the truth: parents coaching from the stands don’t just sound ridiculous they’re actually hurting their kid’s game.
1. You’re Scrambling Their Brain
Imagine this: coach tells the winger, “cover the point.” Meanwhile Dad hollers, “cover the guy in front!” Now the kid’s brain is a Windows 95 computer trying to run Fortnite. Freeze. Lag. Crash.
Who’s he gonna listen to? The coach who knows the system or Dad, who once played house league in 1988 and won MVP because three kids were sick? Spoiler: he listens to you, and you just sabotaged your own child.
“That’s not help. That’s you tripping your own kid.”
2. You Make Your Kid Look Weak
Nothing screams “my kid has no hockey IQ” louder than you being their remote control from Row 12.
Coaches notice. Teammates notice. Other parents notice. They’re not impressed. They’re embarrassed for your kid. In the lobby, your reputation is already on a breakaway with no goalie in sight.
The best players? Confident. Independent. Adaptable. The worst thing you can do is make your kid look like a Roomba with skates waiting for you to push the buttons.
3. You Sound Like an Idiot
Let’s be honest: 90% of coaching tip from the stands belong in a beer league blooper reel.
- “Skate!” (As opposed to… lie down?)
- “Get up!” (Sure, let’s lie down and have a bit of nap.)
- “Shoot!” (From the red line? Feed the goalie muffins?)
To everyone else in the stands, you don’t sound like a hockey genius you sound like someone who doesn’t understand the sport. And the louder you are, the dumber it gets.
4. The Hand-Signal Parent: Silent but Deadly (to Their Kid’s Game)
Then there’s you the “signal caller.” Too classy to scream like the rest, so you start flapping your arms, pointing at players, or giving your kid some secret gang sign from the bleachers. Newsflash: you look like an airport tarmac worker who lost his luggage cart.
Your kid sees it. The coach sees it. Everyone sees it.
Players don’t need semaphore. They need freedom to think, read the play, and follow the coach. Your silent signals aren’t genius strategy they’re just mime coaching. And nothing kills confidence faster than realizing Dad thinks he’s running the bench from section 204.
5. The Car-Ride Coach: Hockey’s Worst Experience
Game’s over. Kid’s sweaty, tired, maybe happy, maybe frustrated. Perfect time for a lecture, right? Wrong.
But there you are, Coach Dad, turning the minivan into a post-game press conference.
- “You should’ve shot low blocker.”
- “Why did you pass it to Tommy? He never passes it to you!”
- “Next time, go coast-to-coast like McDavid.”
Meanwhile, the actual coach told him to dump and chase, or pass to the point, or whatever the system was. Now your player’s trapped between two sets of instructions again. Only this time, he can’t escape because he’s buckled into your SUV.
And don’t even get started on pre-game pep talks. “Always shoot low blocker,” “Does pass it, the other players always lose it anyway.”, “I don’t care what the coach says, you shoot the puck in that situation.” it’s like your programming a robot. Except hockey isn’t predictable. It’s chaos. Thinking players adapt. They excel. Over-coached players, especially from the Stands, choke
So congratulations, you just ruined the best part of hockey: the joy of figuring it out yourself. Your kid doesn’t need a car-ride coach. He needs a parent who says, “Good game, bud. Want a Gatorade?”
Takeaways
- Your job is transportation, cheering and putting your kid in a good environment to succeed. That’s it.
- Trust the coach. If you don’t like what they bring, have a private conversation. If nothing changes, switch teams… and switch quietly. No need to torch reputations and go out in flames.
- If you must yell, stick to “Go team!” Anything else is BS and not welcomed by any decent hockey family.
- Judge effort and attitude , leave systems, plays, and line changes to the coaches on the bench.
- Zip your lips in the stands, keep your hands in your pockets, and save the car ride for Spotify and Happy Meals.
So, here we are… next time you feel the urge to scream “SHOOT!” from the stands or flap your arms like a drunken traffic cop remember: you’re not helping. You’re not coaching. You’re not impressing anyone. You’re just the adult equivalent of an airhorn at a funera;, out of place and embarrassing. Just shut the heck up and enjoy the game!
